Thought provoking quotes and one-liners

Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

Suicide is man's way of telling god. "You can't fire me, i quit."

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

Some people just live because it is illegal to shoot them.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

A good friend bails you out of jail... A great friend is sitting in jail with you saying "that was fun!"

Men are from Earth and women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Forgive your enemies, it is what annoys them the most.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Interviewer to President Bush: How do you spell your middle initial W? President Bush to interviewer: Dubya.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

My friend says I never listen… or something like that I think.

I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

The king and the pawn go back into the same box when the game is over.

The moon could not go on shining if it paid any attention to the little dogs that bark at it.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.

Whoever says nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried slamming a revolving door.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you must be upside down.

The horizon is nothing more than the restriction of our own vision.

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

Don't bore your friends with your troubles. Tell them to your enemies who will be delighted to hear about them. -- Olin Miller

It is OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.

When the devil starts messing, God starts blessing.

People never say, "It's only a game", when they're winning.

God's last name isn't Damnit

You can't get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

That which you cannot give away, you don't possess; it possesses you.

I'm a concert pianist. That's a pretentious way of saying I'm unemployed at the moment. --Oscar Levant

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Some people go to church three times in their lives; when they are hatched, when they are matched and when they are dispatched!

If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius?

Trust but verify. -- Russian proverb